So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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