I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
