Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
