I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Houston, we have a squirter
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
