This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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