Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
