Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
