Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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