i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
