; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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