We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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