i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I will be naked everywhere
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
