I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
