yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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