i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
