Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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