My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
