Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
