Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
