1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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