they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
