The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
