Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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