batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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