Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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