So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
