i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!