Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
