My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
