Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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