I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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