things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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