You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
