so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
