one two three fourrrrnication!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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