Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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