just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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