We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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