when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
