The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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