I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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