She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
