He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
