My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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