After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
