my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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