Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
