I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All the doctor said was why
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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