Semen is not good for contacts.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
