addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
