Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
