I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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