Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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