I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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