Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
